Day 2: Post 2B

My second inspiration for writing today came from an email I received while riding the bus home from work.  Almost 4 months ago my husband died after a long and debilitating illness, from peritonitis which developed after the insertion of a PEG.  He received varying treatment in the hospital ranging from good to terribly bad.  Today, the head nurse contacted me to say that the investigation into his death had finally finished and that at a meeting last Friday the report had been shared with her.  Now, she needed to share it with me.

I have found it difficult to reconcile myself to the fact that the hospital was probably to blame, for the most part, for Cliff's death.  You always want to think the best of an institution which is there to help make people better and not to kill them.  I don't actually think that the hospital will admit to having made a mistake.  I say 'the hospital' when what I really mean is the people involved with my husband's care. And how likely are their colleagues who investigated the death, to lay the blame on other staff members?

Do I really believe that Cliff's death was anything more than a series of unfortunate events, which might have gone either way?

I am worried too that I might let myself become consumed by anger about what has happened.  Or, am I working so hard not to be angry that I am trying to forget the whole thing?  My goodness this is all so ... I can't even thing of the word!

So, four months after my husband's death, I now have to face what happened, listen to what the hospital has to say and try and make some sense of it and find a way to move forward. Unfortunately, talking with the hospital won't be the end of it.  The Coroner has yet to decide on whatever they decide.  I have an interim death certificate, the autopsy has shown that he died of natural causes but I think that the coroner has yet to decide whether or not things were done as they should have been.

Sigh!

There will be much more to say about this!