Rage, Anger, Depression

Yesterday was not a good day. I was very tired, I had a great deal of pain in my bones and joints, and I got very angry and cried my eyes out in the middle of the night. It's interesting how everything is intensified in the middle of the night. I woke up, couldn't sleep because of the pain in my legs and after taking some pain killers, laid there getting angrier and angrier with my employer for so many reasons.

To start with I received a letter from some girl in human resources in which she asked if I was feeling better and then told me that the school wasn't going to pay me anymore! That was in late October but it still angers me. The stress it caused was intense. My principal appealed and it was agreed that I'd be paid till the end of November. However, there was no guarantee that I would be paid after that so I decided that I had no choice but to go back. I had the first chemo and then once I began to feel better, I suggested that I come back in December and teach just my high school classes. I look back at this decision now and wonder if I was mad. After the second chemo, I feel so much worse. I did enjoy teaching last week. The students are wonderful and I realize how much they lift my spirits. I couldn't stay home alone. I'd get myself all upset. At least at the moment I would. But, I've been in so much pain while trying to struggle through the classes. I think that guilt was part of what sent me back. I was particularly worried about my exam year group.

Then there's my head of school. I found myself raging at her. She's not even aware that I'm back at school teaching. Has she phoned to see how I am? No. Actually, I don't even know why that should bother me. I don't like her. She oozes insincerity from every pour of her body. However, you would think that when you've worked with a teacher for over 8 years, you would have something to say to them.

I haven't been this upset throughout my entire illness. Probably, it was the night but I also think that a visit from the MacMillan cancer nurse might have started it off. I found myself talking a lot about what had been happening, especially my dependence on Emma, who seems to be able to handle things better than the rest of the family. However, last night I started worrying that I was overburdening her. It's 8:45 in the morning and everything looks quite different. Well, better anyway.

My hair is still bothering me. Last night I kept dreaming about hair falling out, and teeth as well, come to think of it. My teeth were aching so that probably explains the teeth dream. I had no idea that the way I look would upset me so much. I'm not a vain person, at least I don't think I am. I can't even look in a mirror.

Enough! I'm sorry to go on this way. The sun is shining! I will enjoy the day and try not to get too down about things I can't change.

Thank you to all of you who are giving me so much support. I can't ever express how much it means to me.

Bye for now!