Guilt

I didn't realize that I would be feeling so much guilt related to Cliff's death.  In his final days I decided to check online and see what I could find out about post-operative deaths in patients who had the PEG procedure.  What I discovered, shocked me and led me to question why we had ever agreed to Cliff having this operation.  I know that I am beating myself up a bit more than I should but I am a research librarian.  Why didn't I research this procedure sooner, before it it took place in fact?  If I had, I would never have allowed it to take place!  I knew that we couldn't trust the NHS to do the right thing based on on their past history with Cliff.  Why would I think that this was any different?  I do feel as if I have failed him and I think it is going to take we quite a while to work through that. And I am left with the question whether he would still be alive if I had done my research sooner.